One fine day..

In last 14 months, mails, xls, pdfs and vnc have been dancing over me. The same is going to be true for coming time.

I want to write about today.
Got up with no daughter around, like past 2 months. Restless husband wandering around the house, some(same)thing troubling him and its office.
Office:10:10AM
I am lucky to be hand full with work. In few minutes, with just a couple of visitors in and out of my cube..I am drowned in work.
I do not see the release happening, there is too much to contain.
Few people, I look up to in ofc are "busy".
Few people, I look up to in ofc are again "busy".
12 weeks for project and no deadlines for intermediate actions.

after exhausting myself, while running to meet the deadline, I end up in another non-condusive environment.
9:20PM
home, with no maid around.
A broom in my hand.
washing utensils.
hearing to my husband's hard day.
preparing food.

11PM: laptop
same vnc, mails, xls, pdf.

12:30AM
time to vent out.

12:50AM
Time to relax..and looking forward to another fine day ..
And I am not witing weekly :)..this makes me smile! Though I know..I will be scribbling 15mins before I go in that meeting...

Good Night

crossing my mind!!

Nutritious 'khichri'
I just realised how a lil extra carrot or a lil more peas in my daughter's khichri and the complete bowl is wasted. So it may be healthy but of no use. I feel that is exactly what i am doing with my life..making a nutritious khicri.
I got good ingredients in me, in my life..but ultimately its all 'khichri'

5 yrs down the line...
No idea...
Best case : 0 displacement, a sign of settlement
Worst case: life goes through a turmoil, everything changing..and i see signs of settling..
After writing, i am feeling i should swap the 'case' titles..

'quagmire'
After so much of activity in work life in last 7 months, i feel the thud.
This is not for the first time. But the feeling hopelessness and uselessness is consitent

Comfort zone...

'You miss when its gone'
Now we talk about school days, eating lunch in periods, yearning to play all the time..then we wanted to break free from the routine of attending english hindi maths...day after day..
Now we talk about hostel days, college bunks then we wanted to scale heights get good packages move out and explore the world..
Then i wanted control over everything ..now i miss the chaos..i miss the free time where i used to plan life in canteen..Then i did not realise i was in control of my dreams, my plans..and Now i realise i have no dreams..no plans..

Its human they say...'You miss only when its gone'

It is tough to let go your comfort zone..
It is even tougher to express your feelings when it concerns your work place..it is just foolish to be emotional and professional..right?
And the sensible me scolds me saying...how can i be an emotional jerk..

But, its human I say...

I was lucky to be working under a great manager for 3 years. I realise now, I was really lucky in not understanding most of the Dilbert's jokes. I came across a person who was not just technically good but had an uncanny knack of empathising. He knew how to react to my over reactions.
I have been very hard critic throughout, fighting to be idealist all the time and he was there to support, agree or even disagree. It was always a positive discussion. I had that faith in him which was a result of his honesty. I felt secure and comfortable even when most of the times he never used words to tell..'I am there'. His presence in any discussion was an added source of confidence.

When i am able to write all these thing after 3 years of working, analysing and being critical. I really mean it.

I am gonna miss working with him..
For all those who do not understand the luxury of having a good work culture..go catch him..

Gearing up for new learnings..a new phase..a new boss..

wrong side of 25

somebody just celebrated her birthday and exclaimed 'i am on the wrong side of 25'
what to say of a female who is well settled in her life at 25 earning good, looking good, married to a nice and smart guy, happy with in laws, reputed at work, blessed with a smart and polite tone and quite satisfied.
Is any side wrong for her..does ageing matter.
For that matter, should ageing actually matter...
its not that far when i was bubbling with enthu at 16-18-21 and just thot that the world is there for me to conquer..and then i forgot
is is ageing?
its not far when i used to be on phone with frens for hours and culd sms w/o looking at keys..and now it takes few seconds to type hello
is it ageing?
its not far when i thot eutopia is an easy goal..and now m learning to live with my imperfections..

i really want to get off my senses sometimes..and there was time few years back i was so 'beautifully' sense less..

wonders of the world

If my English teacher asks me to write on 'if the title of this blog is apt' i might end up writing a dozen of more blogs.
I belong to a city named 'Patiala' and stayed in a safe green campus of Thapar Institute for 21 years of my life. When i came out of that place i realised i was unaware of the practical world.
I was unaware of some facts like 'it is Ok to speak a lie, honesty may end you in trouble'... 'right might not always be correct'...'humans are most unpredictable species'...'there is something more than working hard and working right which will make you successful' and 'world is not a safe place'
My maternal house was robbed a few days back. I just came face to face with the reality that it could happen to me. It is hard to accept that world is not a safe campus, the ppl beside you may stab you, the ppl looking at u may turn away. I still dont want to accept it as it scares me all the more.
I read abt 'mob' mentality in 10+1 english book...I am one of them today..

akele chalo is not the way of life!!

Connected

Wow..the response I got for my previous blog. Thanks!

You gave me a very good realization (in fact re-realisation) that happiness is with in. Bad things may not be as sad. ‘It will pass’ like every other thing. Happiness resides in the care i get from Manu, haha hohohos of my lil bundle of joy, my parents and brothers unconditional love and support and my job. Not everybody is as lucky as I am. Now I understand Gadhi Ji’s talisman.

I was glad to see so many people concerned, advising to accept and a few were so glad that it was happening to me.

People who were concerned: I think we talked after a long time. I appreciate u understand it is a mood swing. I was so happy to receive your calls from corners of the world too. I love you so much. You made me feel that I have such good assets.. I am there for you too.
About acceptance: You cant be surviving if you cant accept. Adapting and being like one is a lil different thing.. I am thinking…try giving it a thought.

Anonymous: Thanks for being so caring but you are wasting your time reading blogs of people who you don’t consider worthy of happiness. Not just reading but writing few words congratulating me and wishing them luck to be a better person. And anonymity is often lost and deleted too!! Dude I am just like you trust me!

Thanks for making me feel…that we are connected.. and also that I need to connect lil often and not just when I am sad..

Love you all... Looking forward to ur comments

Honestly..

Need an agony aunt

In a very bad phase of my life, typically hopeless. I have lost all the sense, if only I had some. I feel my stupidity has done something expected screwed my life.
I have been living in a superficial, self created world and top it all I was aware of it.
No body to trust. Infact, why should any body bother about me. I made all my decisions and am responsible for where I am and I have to cruise it now.
No choice live with it as living without it will be all the more difficult.
One solution to it: adapt. No matter I have to change my basic code, my basic thought process, my basic principles. Change completely and adapt the rules of the game. Don’t fight. Just adapt.

Do you think its wise to change your basic self, the way you have been for last 25 years.